Women at work, beyond the 9 to 5: The untold realities of working mothers’ lives.
Abby* has a gorgeous one-year-old girl, and she’s finding her manager has ramped up the pressure after parental leave.
Flexible work without over-work
Abby started back doing a compressed week, working five days in four.
“I came back thinking it would be really hard to do my job in less than full time and wanted to make sure I was going to be compensated for that. I was definitely working full time, but it’s just not sustainable.”
She’s recently reduced her hours to 4.5 days, to reduce some of the load.
How we work before children
COVID was a shift in Abby’s working style. She was always a performer, but it ramped up.
“I got so accustomed to working much more than I ever had before. I was working on lots of projects that were intense. I’d get online at 8 am and still find myself working till 7 pm, and that would not be uncommon.”
Lockdowns meant she had the time to work long days.
How things shift after babies
“It was still manageable to work long days when I was pregnant. But post coming back to work, the expectation was that I would work ten-hour days because I was doing a compressed week.”
Abby struggled because while some managers focused on outcomes, her manager was a clock-watcher.
“I didn’t want to be expected to log in at night or early in the morning or on Fridays on my day off. I’m happy to do it when it’s required, but I don’t want to have that expectation on me all the time.”
Plus, you’re exhausted when you’ve had a baby, and there are lots of other time pressures.
“Work around the house heightens greatly, you’re not just fending for yourself anymore. It’s so different, and I thought isn’t sustainable.”
The impact of your direct manager
Abby’s manager is an executive and says she’s not watching the clock. But her words indicate otherwise.
Abby recently took carer to leave because her daughter was sick. She worked while her baby was napping, and a couple of hours when he partner was home, so she put in for half a day of leave.
“She called me and said, ‘Can you put in your carers leave until the end of your working day unless you got online once [your partner] got home’. I did, and I worked before. It doesn’t matter, I’m happy to put in an extra hour or two, but I was like, that says that you are watching me.”
As a high performer, Abby has worked for this same manager for two and a half years prior to having a baby.
“I always got good outcomes, she never had an issue with me. And you hear it’s such an inconsistent experience.”
Some managers are vocal that the hours don’t matter and it’s all about outcomes, but Abby’s manager has never said that to her.
“With the carers leave example, there’s obviously a lack of trust.”
Overwhelm and lack of support at work
Abby had a very brave conversation with her leader about actions speaking louder than words.
“I called out to her three times that I felt overwhelmed, and she just brushed it off.”
Once she said let’s just watch how it goes, which to Abby wasn’t good enough.
“She hasn’t actually provided me with that support.”
Abby’s role wasn’t backfilled while she was on leave, which contributed to overwhelming on her return, and she returned when her daughter was seven months old to a global role with global calls morning and night.
“I was like, how am I meant to manage this? Pre having a baby, yeah I can jump on a call at 7 am and I can jump on a call at 6:30 pm.”
“My partner’s not here in the mornings [because of his work] and sometimes he’s not home until late. It just doesn’t work for me to [be on calls morning and night]. That was super overwhelming.”
When Abby raised it with her boss, the response was to question whether she could join the meetings from the car on her way to work in the morning. Shockingly, Abby’s boss is not the only one I’ve heard about with this same ‘solution’ to managing the juggle.
Being pulled in two directions at once
Abby’s not alone in feeling like she’s stretched too thin between work and home.
“I felt like I needed to be in two places at once. On top of that, there’s a real expectation as a leader that you need to be in the office three days a week.”
“Initially I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, all of that compounded and made me feel very overwhelmed.”
The three days in office expectation weren’t pro-rata’d for her compressed week, and Abby spoke to some other returners who suggested she reduce the pressure on herself. Where can she do less, or step back from non-essential work.
You can’t do it all
With that advice in her ear, Abby tested stepping back a little bit, not going to meetings where she’s not adding value, and focusing on work outcomes.
She does feel less overwhelmed now and thinks that regardless of the global program and unsupportive boss, it would have been hard transitioning back into work after having a baby.
“I don’t know how people did this pre-COVID.”
“I’ve changed my work and I’m not putting as much pressure on myself. I haven’t got feedback that I’m not delivering, so I’m going to keep doing that. Because you can’t do it all.”
Being sidelined at work
“What’s happened now, yes, it’s a result of me being a mother, but I think she would have done it before if the circumstances had allowed it to.”
“It will be interesting when we get our performance outcomes next week. That’s when I’ll know if there’s been a change.”
Abby also revealed that she’s pregnant, and told her boss because she’s having some first trimester sickness and didn’t want to be in the office as often.
“She said all the right things, but I’m interested to see what that means. We’ll see.”
How companies can embed inclusion
Abby has some clear ideas of what companies can do to support working mothers. They need to be more conscious and considerate of how much of a juggle it is.
“[Things like] not putting meetings at 8 am or 4:30 pm. One of our execs, when her kids were young, said meetings had to be between the hours of nine and four. I think it would be good if people honoured that to alleviate things and make it a little bit easier.”
“I think they could just be more understanding. I think of my boss, who has not been supportive in any way, and I don’t know if she had kids if it would be different, maybe not.”
“It’s so inconsistent. I’m sure there are some big corporates that do it well, but it’s so discretionary based on your manager.”
“It would be nice if companies invested in focusing on mothers returning to work. I guess they do by offering parental leave, return to work bonuses, and offering rooms for breastfeeding.”
“But it’s more than that – it’s every day. It’s not just asking, it’s actually checking on the workload, are you still feeling overwhelmed, and being more considerate to that.”
“It’s an inconsistent experience, how can companies educate their leaders more.”
Letting go and allowing ease
To remove some of the overwhelm and make things easier, Abby is also trying to make things easy at home.
“I’ve let go of things. I don’t make dinner every night and might just get something easy to pop in the oven. I’ve totally changed.”
When her husband gets home early they tag team and share the load, but as she says,
“You can’t do it all. If he’s not home, I can’t put that pressure on myself. Sometimes I look around the house and I wish it was cleaner, but I guess my standards have just dropped for some things. It’s more important to be spending time with her than cooking dinner if I only have that hour with her.”
The mental load – it always seems to be uneven
Abby, like everyone else, tries to share the mental load with her partner but takes on the bulk of it.
“He definitely is helpful but he’s not one to take initiative. It’s me being like, ‘will you do xyz’ and then he’ll do it. That drives me nuts but it’s not worth fighting over. I definitely feel it, it’s a tough one. I don’t know If it gets better as time goes on.”
She jokes about a recent trip away with friends and seeing all men were the same.
“[One of them] announced he was going for a swim and wouldn’t think to go inside and make the kids lunch. They just operate and think differently.”
“It’s been a challenge, but I have friends who get so hung up on it, but it’s just not worth it to drive me crazy.”
While she wishes her husband would show more initiative, she also accepts that she doesn’t know any women who don’t carry the bulk of the mental load.
*Not her real name. Because of the stigma faced by working mothers, the motherhood penalty, and the fact that the state of women’s relationships directly affects the state of their lives and careers, the women in this series have chosen to remain anonymous.
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