Women at work, beyond the 9 to 5: The untold realities of working mothers’ lives.
Edwina* has three kids aged 9, 14, and 16, and at 47 she’s worried about aging out of finding good work in her industry.
Finding your feet after some time away from the workforce
Edwina had been working full-time at a small family-owned business, went back two days a week following her first parental leave, and loved it. Whilst pregnant with her second she moved to Sydney’s northern beaches, and the commute became unmanageable.
“I made the decision to be a stay at home mum for a little while, which turned into seven or eight years. The distance we were from the city definitely narrowed my options.”
When her youngest was 18 months old she returned to work and says,
“It was very scary. In my current role, I’m starting to look at how to support women who are returning to work who were in my position back then.”
Getting your confidence back
Many women report a loss of confidence when they return to work after parental leave. And for Edwina, it was the same. She felt like she was missing specific digital marketing skills, and thought the wheels would fall off if she returned to full-time work.
“My logical brain was saying, ‘You need to upskill to improve your chances of finding a decent job’. The other annoying part of my brain was saying, ‘You’re so behind. You’re not going to flourish, everyone going to think you’re an idiot, you don’t know what you’re talking about’.”
Both voices combined meant Edwina decided to take a step back and return at a lower level to regain some of her confidence. She took a great opportunity with terrible pay and a lovely boss. And, unsurprisingly, Edwina was on top of everything much more quickly than she expected.
“If I’ve got one piece of advice, it’s don’t undersell yourself. I was so fixated on the skills I didn’t have, and I didn’t realise how quickly I would pick them up just by doing [them]. It’s like muscle memory, you just haven’t done it for a while. I took too much of a step back, but then you’re in that role and you’ve kind of got to stay there for a couple of years.”
After a couple of years in the entry-level role and a few years in a job where progression was affected by COVID, Edwina was ready to move on. She thought,
“I need to get into a more senior role. I’m prepared to work more days, I’m ready to sink my teeth into something.”
The never-ending juggle
With a husband in a really busy job, Edwina takes on the majority of the kids’ logistics and finds it’s as hard now as when they were young.
“The juggle has got worse as [the kids have grown] older, which was unexpected. The two teenagers are very high maintenance. It’s all about the emotional and behavioural stuff and being there for the rare opportunity they’re going to come to you and ask for help.”
“I wish people understood how hard it is to compartmentalise your life. I might get a phone call from the deputy of the high school in the middle of my working day, and I have to take the call. It can be hard to switch that concern off. It can be hard to come to work and put your game face on when there’s been world war three in the morning.”
But rather than fall in a heap and letting guilt take over, Edwina leans into self-compassion.
Self-compassion through the challenges
Over time, Edwina has been able to let go of some of her guilt and hold a bit more self-compassion.
“It’s like scales. At one point you might be favouring work, and at another time you might be able to take your foot off the gas a little bit and focus a bit more on your family.”
“I’ve definitely learned to be a bit kinder to myself in that space.”
Additionally, hybrid work is essential for Edwina’s juggling.
“It’s the only reason I can work full time. I find the younger generation saying it’s not fair. It’s impossible to explain sometimes why we might need that additional flexibility.”
Along with self-compassion, Edwina’s confidence has grown, making it easier to speak with conviction and make conscious choices about which side of the scale to prioritise at any time.
The exhaustion of being a working mother
Another challenge for Edwina is the fatigue of it all.
“The utter exhaustion to being up at 6am to make packed lunches and then finally sitting on the couch at 830 at night – it’s a big, big day. Others who have a difficult day at work can go home and do what they need to recharge. A working parent goes home and they’re on, and they might then be confronted with several other issues.”
“It’s relentless sometimes.”
Adding in ageism
When I asked Edwina whether she’d ever felt sidelined as a working mother, she said
“Most of the negative bias I experience is because of my age. People can be dismissive of your opinions and abilities.”
Working in recruitment marketing, Edwina sometimes hears younger staff reference candidates as ‘dinosaurs’. She has faced assumptions that she won’t know a particular technology.
“I definitely get little comments like, ‘Have you heard of [a technology], and of course I have! There’s an assumption that you don’t know how to do something until you can prove it.”
And thinking about where to from here feels difficult.
“You don’t get many people over the age of 50 looking for work, especially women. So now I’m on the cusp of thinking, what would logically be the next step? I would not leave here and look for another marketing role.”
On the plus side, Edwina she says for women who are hitting middle age,
“It’s a good time for us to stop giving so much of a shit. I’m less and less bothered by it.”
Boosting your confidence
A natural introvert, Edwina found returning to work challenging. She felt like she couldn’t remember things she used to be able to do with her eyes closed, and was very concerned about what other people would think, but,
“You cannot control what other people think of you.”
“Confidence comes from longevity in a role, depth of knowledge, conviction in your opinions.”
“My confidence has grown with time, but also through screwing up, things not going well, and realising the world hasn’t ended.”
“[Work] definitely has boosted my confidence, which was lacking. I’ve grown and become more resilient.”
*Not her real name. Because of the stigma faced by working mothers, the motherhood penalty, and the fact that the state of women’s relationships directly affects the state of their lives and careers, the women in this series have chosen to remain anonymous.
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